The popular story is that at 12:30 PM on November 22nd, 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald, but I am here today to tell you that there are some serious holes in this story.
According to the coroner's report, Kennedy was killed by a bullet that struck his head. At the time of his death, Oswald was in a book depository nowhere near the presidential motorcade.
Had Oswald thrown the bullet? Pushed it through the president's skull? To this date, there is no evidence that Oswald had any contact with the actual projectile. He may have handled its casing. It is widely accepted that he pulled the trigger on a rifle into which the projectile had been loaded. The trigger activated a mechanism which caused an explosion, which propelled the bullet on its fatal course.
However, no one has testified that at any point did Oswald tell the bullet to exit the muzzle of the weapon at high velocity, much less give it directions where to go.
All he really did was point a device at Kennedy's head, and if that's a crime then why were none of the many photographers present that day ever charged? Cameraman Abraham Zapruder pointed a camera at Kennedy and his film became an object of investigation rather than him being the subject of one. That Oswald cocked his finger in a pulling motion is also not disputed, but I make a similar motion several hundred times in the course of typing a piece like this.
Finger movements? Pointing? These things do not a murder make.
The bullet killed Kennedy, but can we really assign blame for it? It was propelled by an explosion. We can't blame the explosion; it only happened because the firing mechanism was triggered. The firing mechanism had nothing to do with the bullet, though. It was only intended to set off the charge, and it only acted because the trigger moved. The trigger moved, but without any connection to the charge in the bullet's casing, and it only moved because Oswald pulled it. Oswald, we have previously established, had nothing to do with the bullet.
What we have here is a bunch of factors operating independently of each other. Now, some people have attempted to solve this problem by introducing the possibility of other bullets fired from other weapons by other people, but all this does is add more layers of obfuscation: at no point under any of the various theories did anyone say "I am murdering JFK" and personally force a bullet through his skull.
The Warren Commission, thus, mounted a murder investigation no murderer, no murder, and no victim. There's no case. John F. Kennedy was assassinated by no one, then he was not assassinated. Since he did not die of any other cause except the head wound, we must therefore conclude that he is alive today.
We should remember these facts as we watch the Democrats try to stitch together a conspiracy out of the fact that Donald Trump told Gordon Sondland to talk to his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani. Sondland claims to have understood that his orders came from Trump, but all he really has is an instruction that he should defer to Giuliani, and a declaration from Giuliani that his orders came from the president.
To believe that is to believe that John F. Kennedy was murdered, and that way lies folly.
You should totally try sending this one to McSweeney's timely humor email.