2019, a Review In Tweets
alexandraerin.substack.com
2019, a Review In Tweets
Late last year, I started doing a compilation of some of my best (mostly humorous) tweets that I made in 2019. For one reason or another, I never actually sent it. Possibly because Substack gives me an error message saying it’s “too long for email” and I’m not sure what will actually happen when I publish it, but seeing as I’m currently tweetsona non grata (six more days!), I thought I might as well dust it off and see if it will let me put it through.
It’s interesting reading this and being reminded of events from The Before Times, back before so much of the world ground to a halt and so much of the rest of it went completely off the rails. Don’t know if anyone else will find it interesting, but, eh. There’s definitely some gems in here.
January
BUSTED!
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez claimed to be only 17 years old when she was in high school, well below the Constitutional age requirement to be in Congress. So now she *SUDDENLY* claims she's 29.
Which is it, "Sandy"?
"Did Mackenzie Bezos REALLY do half the work to make that 120 billion dollars?"
Do you think Jeff Bezos did half the work? You get a lot of Amazon orders lovingly packed by Jeff lately?
One Punch Man is an anime about a guy who never gets a free latte or sandwich or yogurt because he can never keep track of his cards. He's got a whole shoebox full of reward cards he found doing his laundry, all of them with just a single punch. He never puts them in his wallet.
J.R.R. Tolkien: Clive, centaurs and fauns are Hellenic. Dwarves are Germanic. You can't just take creatures from different mythoi and stick them together in a secondary world!
C.S. Lewis: *slowly slides draft of book 2 where Jesus and Bacchus party together out of view*
Twitter's all a-buzz with news of Ariana Grande's new single, 7 Rings.
But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made...
Imagine if fast food workers got to go into work, clock in, and then spend fifteen-thirty minutes gathering their thoughts, telling the supervisor "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee", scroll their email, and then hang around the soda fountain until they felt like working.
Herds of Prey: The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Bo Peep
Toy Story 4 @toystory
February
If Punxsutawney Plato sees his shadow, it means six more weeks in a cave with no true knowledge of reality.
I love all the people who are "If Ruth Bader Ginsburg were alive and well then why haven't we seen photos of her?" like the newspapers and magazines are normally just full of glossy photos of Supreme Court Justices out and about.
man in line behind me at the liquor store: Are you having a party?
me: I'm a writer...
him: Still seems a little over par.
me: ...covering the State of the Union.
him: Cheers.
Meanwhile, Vidal Sassoon was a knife-carrying, Nazi-punching anti-fascist streetfighter who went and broke up anti-Semitic groups in postwar London.
Jennifer Laughran @literaticat
I can't believe the National Enquirer guy thought Jeff Bezos would fear the threat of public shame.
Adam Conover @adamconover
I'm of the opinion that the best way to translate "hwæt" into modern English is to not translate "hwæt" into modern English because modern English needs to learn how to sit with words in their fullness when it's not sure what to do with them.
"People are so offended these days that I'm afraid to say anything."
The fear is because you're in unknown territory, dealing with consequences for speech. If you process that fear and get through it, you'll find yourself in a new place: one where you think about what you say.
March
I just saw someone (admittedly mildly) critiquing #CaptainMarvel by saying "Brie starts very cold but actually came around by the end" and it's like dudes, you are describing part of the plot. It's not Brie being cold, it's Brie playing a character who experiences an arc.
*frog icon voice*
Captain Marvel is only opening big because moviegoers are LITERALLY PAYING MONEY to theater chains to gain tickets for admission to a movie they want to see.
*gamergate intensifies*
This collusion is illegal. It's called payola and it's against the law.
It's a shame they didn't use more lube, or something might have made it in.
Complex Pop Culture @ComplexPop
My thought on women covering their hair is exactly the same as my thought on anyone covering their backside: if they don't want you to see it, that's their business.
It is a question of privacy and autonomy even if you don't care about free exercise of religion.
I just had a vivid childhood flashback to my little brother insisting on selling his favorite toys at a garage sale for money, my parents letting him after trying to make sure he understood he wouldn't have them anymore, and then him crying later when he realized they were gone.
The Associated Press @AP
The best way to talk to women wearing headphones is to have an interesting podcast, or narrate audiobooks.
Free idea for news media: I think a really compelling narrative for the 2020 race would be that all the candidates have these different positions, and what the positions are.
🎵🎶🎵TRANSGENDERS: MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE�gaROIJ
Newsweek @Newsweek
100% gender neutral terms our server has used to collectively address us at this meal:
- cuties
- darlings
- buddies
- beautifuls
I love when someone says "I don't have pronouns just call me MY NAME" or "My pronouns are MALE/MAN", it's okay, you can admit you're confused about a topic instead of covering it with anger.
April
More gender neutral group terms of address:
- me hearties
- mateys
- ye swabs
- bilge rats
- yon great galloping host of horrors
Doctor Doom's origin involves him fighting Nazis and corrupt nobility, then trying to rescue his mother from the devil. Reed Richards occasionally forgets he has children when he teleports his entire building into another dimension.
People arguing that one of the Joker's origin stories is "canon" are like people who are super sure that they know which state the Simpsons live in.
*at a job interview*
I graduated from the SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS. My experience is LIFE. My references are PAIN and HEARTBREAK. In five years I see myself AGED TEN YEARS. My desired salary is KNIVES. My greatest weakness is EVERYTHING. My question for you is COME AT ME BRO.
Funny how financially stable socialists are seen as an indictment of socialism when broke and starving capitalists aren't seen as an indictment of capitalism.
Imagine if Julian Assange believed the work he was doing was important enough to not risk imperiling his freedom to do it by raping women.
DM: Everybody roll initiative!
Fighter: *rolls 1d20 + Dex mod*
Rogue: *rolls 1d20 + Dex mod*
Wizard: *rolls 1d20 + Dex mod*
Cleric: *rolls 1d20 + Wis mod*
Fighter, Rogue, Wizard: ?????
Cleric: ...you've never heard of a faith-based initiative?
A fun thing about Twitter's ambiguous font choices is that #HeIsRisen and #HelsRisen are visually indistinguishable.
"Are you Jesus, Son of Hammers?"
Since we have the capability to land things on Pluto's surface, we could end the planet/not planet argument for ever by sending two pieces of bread to the opposite poles and defining it as a sandwich. Thanks for coming to Ted Talk.
So, fun with etymology.
I just read a portion of a review of a sex doll which noted that the doll does not "pass mustard", which, I have to say is probably a desirable trait in a sex doll, in most cases.
Same dudes who call every female character who gets a spotlight "Mary Sue" are the ones who complain anytime someone writes Batman or Luke Skywalker or Nick Fury having an off day.
May
Escape routes.
Educated Savage 😈 @SaWdAKiNg
Donald Trump discussing his legal strategy with Vladimir Putin while denying that there was any cooperation between the two of them is peak Donald Trump.
It's building up to the reveal that this is actually post-apocalyptic earth. "House Stark" got their name from a STARbucKs sign with most of the letters fallen off.
zane @zane
The only man allowed to refer to his wife as his "ball and chain" is Gomez Addams. don't make the rules, sorry.
I am not watching GoT but the discourse is giving me a story seed: someone finds a text in the ruins of an oracular temple and thinks they are following a prophecy, but it's actually the fan fic written by an ancient monk bored of endlessly copying the same book of prophecy.
"But I don't want to go among presidential candidates," Alice remarked.
”Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat. "We're all running here. I'm running. You're running."
"How do you know I'm running?” said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
ABC News @ABC
The detective hands me a cup of coffee.
”Take your time. Make sure you're sure. We get this right, or he walks."
"Okay."
"No pressure."
”I'm ready."
”A little louder, for the tape.”
”I'M READY," I repeat.
"Now," the detective says, "who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"
June
His mouth says no, but his eyes say "My father shall hear of this, Potter."
Axios @axios
Every Catholic Church has at least one prominent depiction of a bare-chested man. If you can't stand the sight of a woman's shoulders, you are not fit to shepherd the faithful.
Fr. Kevin M. Cusick, LCDR (Ret.)🇻🇦 @IntroiboAdAltar
I don't know who needs to hear this, but if you ordee an amazing salad and you start getting full, you can eat around the roughage. It's just filler. Eat those candied pecans. Eat those artichoke hearts. Go for the bacon, the shrimp, the salmon.
Eat the money, leave the lettuce.
"Hi, my name is Joseph. You can call me Joe."
"Nice to meet you, Joe."
"Hi, I'm Frank."
"Nice to meet you, Joe."
"...but I'm Frank."
"WHAT? I THOUGHT THE RULE WAS WE CALL PEOPLE JOE, I JUST LEARNED IT, NOW IT'S CHANGED, THIS IS TOO COMPLICATED, I'M OUT!"
jesuschristgetouttathisplace @SOYS55889817
Literally everyone thinks political correctness has gone too far, right up until they figure out the gag.
"Political correctness" is just a label to slap on whatever social niceties and considerations you don't care about. It's too far for you, by definition.
The Hill @thehill
No human being is illegal. No person is illegal. People who want to outlaw other human beings go "Oh, they broke the law, what does that make them?" Not illegal. We have laws against actions, not against people.
Panel idea: It's Hard Out Here For A White Man. Four to five people discuss the problems that white men face in the industry and life. None of them are white men.
Some people think that when I say "abolish ICE" I don't mean it literally. They're right. Some people think I'm being hyperbolic. They're wrong.
I'm actually being hypobolic. "Abolish ICE" is an understatement, standing in for "Abolish the entire Department of Homeland Security" https://t.co/Kq1VjqtBnt
Hear me out: if you become Bruce Lee High School, your mascot can be dragons.
Myles Udland @MylesUdland
’
me before trailer: I have no interest in a reboot of Charlie's Angels.
me after trailer: I have no interest in anything that isn't a reboot of Charlie's Angels.
Charlie's Angels @CharliesAngels
I believe in the rule of law but that includes innocent until proven guilty, which has been explained to me by right-wingers many time. According to them, we can't say Andy Ngo was assaulted or battered or even attacked unless someone is convicted in a court of law.
July
you: Prose should be invisible and unadorned.
me, an intellectual: C.S. Lewis stopping the entire story to say BY THE WAY, NEVER SHUT YOURSELF INSIDE A WARDROBE whenever anyone got near one in his book about Magic Wardrobe Land undoubtedly saved lives while letting him write it.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but the naming of cats is a difficult matter, it isn’t just one of your holiday games. You may think at first I’m as mad as a hatter when I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
"Gene Roddenberry said earth didn't have any religion in the time of Star Trek."
Yeah, he also said there was no more money or military, and yet *gestures at entire franchise*
Heck, the fact that humanity falsely prided itself on having outgrown nationalism was a RUNNING JOKE.
therapist: And what do we do when we feel sad?
me: Go see the famous clown, Pagliacci?
therapist: ...what.
Nothing makes me worried that Marianne Williamson is going to become a serious contender like people going "Calm down, there's no way she's going to be a serious contender."
August
Since a megayacht tweet is making the rounds, I'll share my most specific writing tip: if you are having trouble designing a character's [flying/submersible/outer space] headquarters because you're bad at visualizing spatial relations, study luxury yacht listings and floorplans.
If Smashmouth thinks they've had the last word against Neil DeGrasse Tyson, just wait till he finishes his scientific analysis of their debut single "Walkin' On The Sun" because hoo boy does he have some things to say about its premise.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson voice: Actually, 30-50 feral hogs would result in a net total of -20 feral hogs, more than eliminating the problem before they even arrive in your yard.
And the 30-50 hogs I admired the most -- the bacon, ribs, and the shoulder roast -- they took the last train to the coast...
I 100% support this endeavor so long as they conspicuously refer to it as "the live action" version and refuse to explain or elaborate.
When asked how this differs from the previous film, just say "Well, this one is live action."
Nerdist @nerdist
therapist: And what do we do when we are sad?
me: Describe my maladaptive behavior in a whimsically elaborate yet detached way in hopes of validation I know isn't coming?
therapist: No.
You can tell fast food workers are braver than cops because fast food workers don't need special rules that say they can murder someone if they feel unsafe in order to do their jobs.
Fast food workers are also actually required to serve the public.
Just randomly remembered back when I had a subscription to Mad Magazine and they sent it in a protective cover that read "HERE IS THE PORNOGRAPHY YOU ORDERED IN A BROWN PAPER COVER".
The only thing more cowardly than the way right-wing climate deniers go after Greta Thunberg is the way they collapse into a pile of warm jelly when someone points it out.
"M-me? I? B-bully a child? Q-quarrel, sir? No, sir. I do bite my thumb but I do not bite my thumb at her."
What kind of weird local water table did Jack and Jill have that they had to climb a steep hill to get a pail of water? Hydrologically speaking, it is not impossible but nevertheless I remain dubious.
Ben Shapiro possibly more than anyone embodies the horrible truth of the current crop of conservative intellectuals: their job is to very carefully misunderstand things.
One thing about calling Bret Stephens a bedbug is that he may be a censorious authoritarian windbag, he may be a vociferous supporter of rape and rapists, he may be opposed to free speech and freedom of the press, and he may be a vicious racist, but he is also a bedbug.
September
my doctor: Well, you must be doing something right because you lost 135 pounds.
me, here because I was bisected down the middle in a freak elevator accident: Should I be worried about this or...?
doctor: With a BMI like that, I'd say you're... all right.
In trying to figure out a gender neutral address a cleric would use towards others in place of "brother" or "sister" I skipped "friend" for sounding phony/vaguely threatening and landed on "neighbor" and now I have genderfluid Fred Rogers as a fantasy cleric in this story.
If I can read news articles about Nicolas Cage that don't insistently refer to him as "born Nicolas Coppola", the media can get this right for trans people, too.
The Chris Mosier @TheChrisMosier
Great work, everyone!
The Daily Dot @dailydot
Attention PewDiePie fans: all criticism of him is a heated moment that you have no right to judge us for. Stop being so PC and trying to restrict our speech. "Felix is anti-Semitic enough to not mind exploiting bigotry for bucks" is just a special phrase we say in frustration.
Milo Yiannopoulos deciding he's a furry is giving me flashbacks to when he suddenly decided he was a gamer after a lifetime of making fun of them.
If you're wondering if gamers or furries are smarter... far fewer furries are falling for it.
Ben Shapiro: Those wokescolds will never trick me into using a made-up word!
Superman: Those what, Ben?
Ben Shapiro, fading back into the 5th dimension: CURSE YOU, MAN OF STEEL!
"What did the president know, and when d..."
Giuliani: "He knew everything. Right away. He came up with it. Is that wrong? Is it a crime to break the law? Is it against the law to commit crimes? He shot a goldfish. He signed an executive order making executive orders illegal."
right-wingers: A secret elite clique of Democrats and celebrities traffic in children in plain sight by using code words like "I'd like to order a pizza."
also right-wingers: If he didn't say "you smear Biden for me and I give you money, quid pro quo", then where's the crime?
A public domain recording of a public domain composition which I used for editorial purposes of commenting on the song itself in strict accordance with the principles of fair use, sir.
DatPiff @DatPiff
Am I In Love With This Young Woman I Saw Once For Five Minutes Or Is She Just Blonde: A Memoir of a Young Man in a Musical
Am I In Love This Young Man I Saw Once For Five Minutes Or Is He The First Man I Met Who Wasn't My Adoptive Father: A Memoir of a Young Woman in a Musical
Rudy Giuliani: It's called "broken windows theory". If you let little things slip like broken windows or graffiti, it sends a signal that greater offenses will be tolerated.
Also Rudy Giuliani: Why do you keep picking on us for all these sketchy little things we do?
If Trump does resign, and if he's not jailed, and if he lives as long as his father did or thereabouts, I am dead certain that by the time he dies he will be denying that he was ever president, insisting that he just went to Washington to help out, did everything he wanted, left.
October
society: We made a whole movie series about how if you remove legal consequences for murder, people will do it.
also society: If we want police to to do their jobs, we have to let them kill with no legal consequences.
Dude at the bar here without his ID just busted out "I'm a lawyer" in lieu of proof of age.
If you're a lawyer, shouldn't you understand the law?
Guys like that are embarrassing.
"You're killing me, you're not going to help me out?"
Sir, you are dying on a hill you chose.
I think we can all agree that enforcing the law against high officials is something that should be reserved for only the gravest of circumstances, such as when they've broken it.
Tulsi Gabbard has decided to run against Hillary Clinton because she can't beat anyone who is actually in the primary.
me: Hi, can I have a caramel pecan roll?
Cinnabon cashier: Sure. Would you like to try some cenobites?
me: Sure... wait, did you say cinnabites or...
Cinnabon cashier: We have such sights to show you.
November
Some highlights from last night's trick or treating:
Our six foot Grim Reaper ran out of battery power about half an hour in and started just repeating the first word of his first phrase: "Don't... don't... don't..."
A child shushed him going past. "Be quiet, Mr. Don't."
Vulcans don't say "I would sooner die than spend one second doing the thing you are inviting me to do, much less do so in your company," they say "Perhaps another time," and I think that's beautiful.
Don't fall in love with people like me. I will take you to museums and monuments and parks, and tell you random facts about them and also other stuff, and when I leave you will finally know why storms are named after people.
(Because it makes vital information easier to convey.)
Movie where the woman who can kill with a smile and wound with her eyes from the Billy Joel song "She's Always A Woman" is set loose and the scientists who created her are forced to let Jolene from the song "Jolene" out of cryostorage to bring her back but instead they team up.
If you're offended by the "ok boomer" meme, relax. It's just a joke. In all actuality, nothing is okay.
It's weird how Batman's origin zigzags between "The Waynes were deliberately targeted for death as part of an intricate conspiracy." and "The Waynes died senseless deaths at random for no reason."
Like if sometimes Uncle Ben was killed by vampires for knowing too much.
A lot of our thinking around money policy is still based around "money is a finite supply of rocks" and not "money is a lot of stuff but a lot of it is pieces of ownership in a company that many people say they would pay a lot of money for".
I've seen genders you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.
All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
Time to die.
🦋 gay monster aunt 🦋 @gaymonsteraunt
I'm reading the Wikipedia article about The Fast and the Furious series and if I'm following this, they just drive around in cars that stay cars? They're cars the whole time? Never turn into robots? The cars are exactly what meets the eye?
This is such a rip-off of Cisformers.
WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION
WE DON'T WANT NO QUID PRO QUO
TELL ZELLINSKY TO DO THE RIGHT THING
NUNES LEAVE THOSE COWS ALONE
You ever go out to eat with friends and no one wants to be the person to say where they really want to go so you just wind up going to the same place you always do and no one's actually thrilled about it?
Imagine picking a leader for the country that way.
Forget "electability".
People arguing about Boba Fett's backstory like he was somebody from somewhere who did something and not nobody from nowhere who did nothing.
An Encyclopedia Brown book where after you flip to the back section and read the conclusion for each story, it directs you to a third section where the suspect explains the apparent discrepancy because life is more complicated than old etiquette guides and trivia books.
It amazes me that @nytdavidbrooks, a man who famously couldn't figure out how to have a conversation about sandwich toppings with a friend in a different tax bracket, ever finds the gall to opine about how other rich people from New York relate to the rest of the country.
December
Boba Fett: Guy in cool armor that scares Han Solo but only shows up for five minutes, does nothing, dies.
Star Wars Guys: What a cool mysterious dude. He must have an amazing backstory. I'm invested!
The Widow Omera: *knows how to shoot*
Star Wars Guys: wtf. wtF. WtF. WTF.
A really cool thing about Twitter is how it functions the same way early search engines did like in the 90s. You can say the words "exercise routine" or "insomnia" on here and you'll get twenty things back that kind of relate to what you said but that don't actually apply to you.
If you ask for the knowledge instead of the money, they will tell you that you should have taken the $2 million and you'll still be broke.
Ike Magnifico @IkeMagnifico
Dickens: Marley was dead.
me: Okay.
Dickens: I mean seriously super dead.
me: Got it.
Dickens: Promise you'll keep that in mind.
me: HE'S DEAD. OKAY.
Dickens: It's just, if you forget he's dead, the part where he appears on a door and then as a ghost will seem very normal.
As reliably loyal Republican pundits try to enforce a brand new rule they made up against saying the name of a president's child in Congress, Donald is frantically trying to get Tiffany to change her name to Articles of Impeachment.
Straight people only, please answer this poll.
Everybody, please RT.
Paul the real estate novelist who never had time for a wife and Davy, who's still in the navy, and probably will be for life are gay, right?
Inviting the American Pickers and Marie Kondo to my house at the same time without telling each other as part of my new reality show where I prank other reality shows.
One thing I'm interested in about the Ghostbusters: Afterlife is the question of if it's "realistic" that 30 years later, Kids These Days wouldn't know about the almostpocalypse.
Until recently, I would have cried foul. Now I'm less sure?
Don't listen to the critics who say the new Cats movie is too weird or too horny.
It is WAY weirder and hornier than that.
Christians: Today we offer up prayers for St. Stephen.
Jesus: Hey, nice.
Christians: The first Christian martyr.
Jesus: ...wow.
Young Gamer Men: If you don't play old video games the way the developers intended you are cheating them and yourself.
Old Video Game Developers: I put in a hidden code to get all the power-ups because I can never beat this level, LOL.
I feel like very few directors could have shot a scene where the internet's most beloved puppet child gets punched in the head three times and come through with their reputation intact.
Author’s Note:
As of this writing, I am still in “Twitter Jail” and unable to tweet or post links to my profile. If you the readers could please post a link to this post to help get it circulating in the wild, I would be much obliged.
Thank you for all the support and well-wishes (and subscriptions) you have sent me in this time!
I laughed all over again!